The Undertaker's Sketch


UNDERTAKER: (Graham Chapman) Morning!

MAN: (John Cleese) Ah, good morning.

UNDERTAKER: What can I do for you, squire?

M: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. Um, you see, my mother has just died.

U: Ah, well, we can 'elp you. We deal with stiffs.

M: (aghast) What?

U: Well there are three things we can do with your mother. We can burn her, bury her, or dump her.

M: Dump her?

U: Dump her in the Thames.

M: (still aghast) What?

U: Oh, did you like her?

M: Yes!

U: Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think: We can bury her or burn her?

M: Well, um, which would you recommend?

U: Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. But quick. And then we give you a handful of the ashes, which you can pretend were hers.

M: (timidly) Oh.

U: Or, if we bury her she gets eaten up lots of weevils and nasty maggots, which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.

M: I see. Well, she's definitely dead.

U: Where is she?

M: She's in this sack.

U: Let's 'ave a look.

(sound of bag opening)

U: She looks quite young.

M: Yes, she was.

U: (over his shoulder) Fred!

F: (Eric Idle, offstage) Yea!

U: I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER!

F: (offstage) I'll get the oven on!

M: Um, er...excuse me, um, are you... are you suggesting eating my mother?

(pause)

U: Yeah. Not raw, cooked!

M: What?

U:Roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce ...

M: Well, I do feel a bit peckish.

U: Great!

M: Can we have some parsnips?

U: (calling) Fred - get some parsnips.

M: I really don't think I should.

U: Look, tell you what, we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.



Continue to the next sketch... Court Scene - Multiple Murderer