The Woody Sketch
Scene: a 1920s-style drawing room
Chapman: I say!
Cleveland: Yes, Daddy?
Chapman: Croquet hoops look damn pretty this afternoon.
Cleveland: Frightfully damn pretty.
Idle (as her mother): They're coming along *awfully* well this year.
Chapman: Yes, better than your Aunt Lavinia's croquet hoops.
Cleveland: Ugh! Dreadful tin things.
Idle: I did tell her to stick to wood.
Chapman: Yes, you can't beat wood. Gorn.
Idle: What's gone, dear?
Chapman: Nothing, nothing -- just like the word, it gives me confidence. Gorn. Gorn -- it's got a sort of *woody* quality about it. Gorn. Go-o-orn. Much better than 'newspaper' or 'litter bin'.
Cleveland: Ugh! Frightful words!
Idle: Perfectly dreadful!
Chapman: 'Newspaper' -- 'litter bin' -- 'litter bin' -- dreadful *tinny* sort of word.
Chapman: Tin, tin, tin.
Idle: Oh, don't say 'tin' to Rebecca, you know how it upsets her.
Chapman: Sorry, old horse.
Chapman: 'Sausage'! There's a good woody sort of word, 'sausage'. 'Gorn.'
Chapman: Where? On the lawn?
Cleveland: No, no, Daddy. Just the word.
Chapman: Don't want antelope nibbling the hoops.
Cleveland: No, no -- 'ant-e-lope'. Sort of nice and woody type of thing.
Idle: Don't think so, Becky old chap.
Chapman: No, no -- 'antelope' - 'antelope', *tinny* sort of word.
Chapman: Oh, sorry old man.
Idle: Really, Mansfield.
Chapman: Well, she's got to come to terms with these things. 'Seemly.' 'Prodding.' 'Vac-u-um.' 'Leap.'
Cleveland: Oh -- hate 'leap'.
Idle: Perfectly dreadful.
Cleveland: Sort of PVC sort of word, don't you know.
Idle: Lower middle.
Idle: Now you're talking!
Chapman: 'Bound.' 'Vole!' 'Recidivist!'
Idle: Bit *tinny*...
(Cleveland screams and rushes out sobbing)
Idle: Oh, sorry, Becky old beast.
Chapman: Oh dear, I suppose she'll be gorn for a few days now.
Chapman: Splendid word!
Idle: No, dear, nibbling the hoops.
(Chapman fires a shotgun)
Chapman (with satisfaction): Caribou -- gorn... 'Intercourse.'
Idle: Later, dear.
Chapman: No, no -- the word, 'intercourse'. Good and woody. 'Inter-course.' 'Pert,' 'pert,' 'thighs,' 'botty,' 'botty,' 'botty' (getting excited), 'erogenous zo-o-one'. Ha ha ha ha -- oh, 'concubine', 'erogenous zo-o-one', 'loose woman', 'erogenous zone'...
(Idle calmly empties a bucket of water over Chapman)
Chapman: Oh, thank you, dear. There's a funny thing, dear -- all the naughty words sound woody.
Idle: Really, dear -- how about 'tit'?
Chapman: Oh dear, I hadn't thought about that. 'Tit.' 'Tit.' Oh, that's very tinny, isn't it? 'Tit.' 'Tit.' Tinny, tinny.
(Cleveland, who has just come in, screams and rushes out again)
Chapman: Oh dear. 'Ocelot.' 'Was-p.' 'Yowling.' Oh dear, I'm bored. Better go and have a bath, I suppose.
Idle: Oh really, must you, dear -- you've had nine today.
Chapman: All right -- I'll sack one of the servants. Simpkins! Nasty tinny sort of name. SIMPKINS!
(Enter Palin, in RAF uniform)
Palin: I say, mater, cabbage crates coming over the briny.
Idle: Sorry dear, don't understand.
Palin: Er -- cow-catchers creeping up on the conning towers?
Idle: No, sorry old sport.
Palin: Um -- caribou nibbling at the croquet hoops.
Idle: Yes, Mansfield shot one in the antlers.
Palin: Oh, jolly good show. Is 'Becca about?
Idle: No, she's gorn off.
Palin: What a super woody sort of phrase. `Gorn orff'.
Idle: Yes, she's gorn orff because Mansfield said `tin' to her.
Palin: Oh, what rotten luck ... oh well ... whole afternoon to kill ... better have a bath I suppose.
Idle: Oh, Gervaise do sing me a song ...
Palin: Oh, OK.
Idle: Something woody. (The pilot launches into a quite enormously loud rendering of `She's going to marry Yum Yum'. The impact of this on the mother causes her to have a heart attack. She dies and the song ends.)
Palin: For ... she's going to marry Yum Yum ... oh crikey. The old song finished her orff.
Chapman: (entering) What's urp?
Palin: I'm afraid Mrs Vermin Jones appears to have passed orn.
Chapman: Dead, is she?
Palin: 'Fraid so.
Chapman: What a blow for her.
Continue to the next sketch... Showjumping (Musical) / Newsflash (Germans)