Eating Dog

(We hear the sound of music coming from a radio)

Mrs. Eggers: (Terry Jones) Turn that thing off, you'll be late for the bus. It is nearly half past nine.

Mr. Eggers: (Michael Palin, in an announcer type voice) It was indeed nearly half past nine.

Mrs. Eggers: Now off you go! (The sound of a door opening)

Mr. Eggers: (talking as he walks off) Off I went on a perfectly ordinary kind of day. (the door closes)

Mrs. Eggers: Oh I am sorry worried about him doctor.

Doctor: (Graham Chapman, eating) Yes, I know what you mean I am afraid he is suffering from what we doctors call whooping cough. That is the failure of the autonomic nervous section of the brain, to deal with the nerve impulses that enable you or I to retain some facts and eliminate others.

Mrs. Eggers: Another dog?

Doctor: Ah, not for me thank you.

Mrs. Eggers: I'll have one last one.

Doctor: The human brain (we hear the sound of a dog barking in the background) is like an enormous fish, it is flat and slimy and has gills through which it can see. (the sound of a gun firing)

Mrs. Eggers: There we are.

Doctor: (we hear the sound of what sounds like meat sizzling on a hot plate) Should one of these gills fail to open the messages transmitted by the lungs don't reach the brain. It is as simple as that.

Mrs. Eggers: Well I am a simple soul, I don't understand all that. All I know is he is not the same man as I married.

Doctor: Am I the man you married Mrs Eggers?

Mrs. Eggers: Ohhh, get away. Ohh, you'll get struck off.

Doctor: Oh, come on come on. (We now hear the doctor trying to have his way with Mrs. Eggins)

Mrs. Eggers: I can't, I am eating dog.

Doctor: Come on just a quick examination.

Mrs. Eggers: No! Get off! I'm married oh ohh...

Mr. Eggers: (In an announcer type voice again) But Doctor Quat was a man of quite remarkable medical insights, skill and determination and within a few minutes he had completely removed my wife's knickers.

Mrs. Eggers: Get out you!

(Sound of a door closing)

Mrs. Eggers: Oh! Oh stop it! Oh! No don't...

Doctor: Now, now, put your tongue in my mouth.

Mrs. Eggers: Stop!

Doctor: Ha! Oh come on, I've got your knickers off.

Mrs. Eggers: Oh don't! (Fade out with Fanfare type music)