Airline Pilots

(The sketch opens in an airplane cockpit. The Captain and the First Officer are whistling idly. They are obviously very bored)

Captain: (John Cleese) I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'S'.

First Officer: (Graham Chapman) Sky.

C: Mm-hmmm.

FO: I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'C'.

C: Cloud.

FO: Yeah. Oh God, I'm bored.

C: I'm fed up with that game. Let's play another game. I know what.

FO: What?

(The Captain picks up a microphone.)

C: (over intercom) 'Hello, this is your Captain speaking. There is absolutely no cause for alarm.' That will get them thinking.

(First Officer reaches for the microphone.)

C: No, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet. Let it sink in. They will be thinking, er, 'What is there absolutely no cause for alarm about? Are the wings on fire? (over intercom) 'The wings are not on fire.' Now they are thinking, er, 'Why should he say that? So we say...

(Steward enters the cockpit.)

FO: Oh, how are we doing ?

Steward: (Michael Palin) (looks down the aisle) They've stopped eating; Looking a bit worried.

C: Good.

S: Hang on, one of them is going to the washroom.

C: Is he there yet ?

S: He's just closing the door... NOW !!!!

C: Right. One... two... three...

FO: (over intercom) 'Please return to your seats and fasten your safetybelts immediately please.'

S: Yes... here he comes, going up the aisle like the clappers. I'll do the worried walk now. (He leaves the cockpit)

FO: Right. Safety regulations.

C: (agreeing) Safety regulations.

FO: (over intercom) 'Please listen carefully. I want you, I want to remind you of some of the safety regulations. In the case of emergency it is vitally important to...

(The Captain makes a radio-static type noise..)

FO: ' the warning buzzer sounds. '

C: 'Bzzzzz'

(They both laugh.)

C: Oh, that's go them rattled.

S: (enters cockpit) Great!! Great!!! (exits cockpit)

C: Hey, I've got an idea!! 'Hello, you will find your life-jackets under your seats.'

FO: No they are on the racks.

C: Shhhh, let them scrabble a bit. 'I'm sorry, you will find them on the racks above your heads. But do not unfasten your safety belts.'

FO: Aaahh !

S: (back again) Great, great, that was marvelous!

FO: Right. Gobbledygook.

C: Oh yes.

FO: 'The scransons above your heads are now ready to flange. Please unfasten your safetybelts and press the emergency photoscamps on the back of the seats behind you.'

S: (looks out) Marvelous, milling about, climbing over the seats.

FO: 'Please find the emergency sprill in the washroom at the back and release it.'

C: 'But do not unfasten your safety belts.'

S: That's got them back to their seats.

FO: 'The emergency sprill MUST be released.'

C: 'But do not leave your seats.'

FO: 'Do not panic.'

C: 'Tea will now be served.'

FO: 'Inflate your life jackets.'

C: 'And extinguish all cigarettes.'

FO: 'Please remove the luggage from the racks above your heads and place it on the racks on the other side of the aircraft.'

C: 'Except for hand-lugage...'

FO: '...which you should sit on.'

(They are in fits of laughter.)

C: Now have a look.

S: (looks) Hang on! Hang on!

C: What?

FO: What?

S: They have all jumped out!

(They laugh, pointing downwards and looking out of the window. After a while the laughter dies away. There is a long pause.)

C: You know, I wouldn't be suprised if there wasn't some trouble about this.

(They burst out laughing again. The sketch ends.)