Interview with Carl French [Marilyn Monroe]

Man (Michael Palin: (Jarring cord)...Well, this time you've crawled too far!

Woman (Terry Jones): Oh, Jeb, Jeb! Why did you do it? You could have destroyed the tapes and none of this leftist clap-trap would have happened!

Interviewer: (Michael Palin) An excerpt from Carl French's latest film. Carl, we're all a little mystified by your claim that your new film stars Marilyn Monroe.

Carl French: (Graham Chapman) It does, yes.

Interviewer: Who died over ten years ago?

Carl French: Uh, that's correct.

Interviewer: Are you lying?

Carl French: No, no, it's just that she'e very much in the public eye at the moment.

Interviewer: Does she have a big part?

Carl French: She is the star of the film.

Interviewer: And dead.

Carl French: Well, we dug her up and gave her a screen test, a mere formality in her case, and...

Interviewer: Can she still act?

Carl French: Well... well, she-she's still has this-this enormous, ah-ah, kinda indefinable, uh... no.

Interviewer: Was decomposition a problem?

Carl French: We did have to put her in the fridge between takes.

Interviewer: Ah, what sorts of things does she do in the film?

Carl French: Well, we had her lying on beds, lying on floors, falling out of cupboards, scaring the children...

Interviewer: But surely Miss Monroe was cremated?

Carl French: Well, we had to use a standin for some of the more visible shots.

Interviewer: Ah! Uh, another actress.

Carl French: Dead actress. But Monroe was in shot the whole time.

Interviewer: How?

Carl French: Oh, in the ash tray, in the fire grate and vacuum cleaner...

Interviewer: So Marilyn does not appear in the film?

Carl French: Not as such.

Interviewer: Mr. French, you're one of the film world's most arrogant queens. I mean not just homosexual or gay or anything, I mean you are a raving queen.

Carl French: Well, yes.

Interviewer: I mean, a real screamer, a real "Whoops! Get out! Don't mind me dear!" limp-wristed caricature.

Carl French: Is that not in order?

Interviewer: No, no, that's fine. And I understand that you married the beautiful black heiress Hueyna Tanoy partly for the publicity but mostly to cover up the fact that you prefer going out with little boys.

Carl French: Look, really!

Interviewer: Carl, you're an effeminate little poof, a mincing gay-bar loiterer, a winnet-covered walking perfume shop and an evil perverter of innocent little boys!

Carl French: What!? Really! Is this part of the interview?

Interviewer: No, no, I just wanted a few contacts.

Carl French: Well-well, shouldn't we be talking about the film?

Interviewer: We've been off the air for ages. Now, where'd you find them?

Carl French: Look, I think we are still on the air.

Interviewer: Oh, sod the fucking air! I just still get locked up with that sort of thing.

Carl French: What about the film?

Interviewer: Just a few addresses, please...

Carl French: Look, we got James Dean in it, in a box!

Interviewer: I-I can turn the microphone off if you...

Carl French: And bits of Jayne Mansfield...