Mr. Phone-In

(Sound of telephone ringing, in fact throughout the entire sketch we often hear phones ringing in the background)

Announcer: (Eric Idle) Welcome to the 'Phone-In'. Today we have on our panel our resident Psychiatrist, a Psychiatrist who isn't resident but is staying with the other one because he can't bear to go home and a Psychiatrist who has lived with the first one but who when the second one arrived felt alienated and since has undergone a total personality change. Our subject tonight is Farming and our first caller is from Redding. (phone rings)

Woman: (Carol Cleveland) Hello.

Announcer: Hello. Welcome to 'Phone-In' what is your question to the panel?

Operator: (Terry Jones) You're through now.

Announcer: Hello.

Woman: Hello.

Announcer: Hello this is 'Phone-In', what is your question?

Woman: Is Vic there?

Announcer: Is Vic there? Is Vic there Doctor Rogers?

Rogers: (Graham Chapman) Well the problem here is a simple one the caller wants to know if Vic is there and in this case Vic, as far as I can tell...

Dibbs: (John Cleese) Can I interrupt Alan?

Announcer: Yes of course.

Dibbs: I agree with what Rogers was going to say as far as we can tell Vic isn't here. The only thing she can do is to keep calling and if Vic comes in we'll let her know.

Announcer: Does that answer your question?

Norman: (Michael Palin) Hello.

Announcer: Hello.

Woman: Vic?

Norman: Yeah.

Announcer: Good evening welcome to phone in what's your question?

Woman: It's Norman.

Announcer: Hello Norman, welcome to the show. What's your question on farming?

Norman: Has he been round again?

Announcer: Has he been round again?. Professor Rogers.

Rogers: Ah Well I...

Woman: On no.

Announcer: Professor Dibbs?

Woman: But he has been phoning me up.

Dibbs: I think we have proved that Vic isn't here.

Norman: Bloody kill him.

Dibbs: ...and therefore he couldn't have come around again. It is a fairly simple case of non presence.

Announcer: Thank you Norman I hope that answers your question.

Norman: I'll go round there and kill him. Is he down the pub?

Announcer: I am sorry Norman, only one question per caller. And now we move on to our next caller please on Farming.

Mummybadgers: (Michael Palin) Hello my name is Mummybadgers.

Announcer: Get on with the question.

Mummybadgers: Yes I farm over 4000 acres I would like to know the panels attitude to viability of cereal production in the EEC.

Announcer: I'm sorry we only want questions about farming. Next caller please.

Caller: (Terry Jones) Hello.

Announcer: Hello it's Mr Gannet from Dorchester isn't it?

Caller: Ah no, he's dead

Announcer: Oh dear

Caller: But he left me his question in his will.

Announcer: Oh dear well how sad, let's hear the question.

Caller: Oh... ah... unfortunately one of the conditions of the will is that I myself should not reveal the question.

Announcer: Oh dear, well can someone else reveal it?

Caller: Ah yes, he left provision...

Announcer: Ah I am sorry we are running out of time

Caller: Yes. He left provision in the will that his wife should be able to reveal the question in certain circumstances.

Announcer: Is she there?

Caller: Ahhh, yes.

Announcer: Well perhaps she could read the question on farming please.

Caller: Ahhh, well she is here, but she's not very well.

Announcer: Well is she well enough to read the question?

Caller: Ahhhh, no, I wouldn't think so.

Announcer: Well is there anyone there who can read the late Mr Gannet's question?

Caller: Only if the executors of the will were to agree on a revocation of the clause by applying for a codicil...

Announcer: Well I'm afraid we must leave that question.

Caller: It could be rushed through in about 2 months

Announcer: Well I am afraid that is all we have time for.

(sketch ends abruptly)