The Smuggler


(Scene: A Customs hall.)

Officer (John Cleese): Have you read this, sir? (holds up notice)

Man (Michael Palin): No! Oh, yes, yes - yes.

Officer: Anything to declare?

Man: Yes. No! No! No! No! Nothing to declare, no, nothing in my suitcase, no.

Officer: No watches, cameras, radio sets?

Man: Oh yes, four watches. No, no, no. No. One... one watch. No, no. Not even one watch. No, no watches at all. No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no.

Officer: Which country have you been visiting, sir?

Man: Switzerland. Errr, no! No, not Switzerland... er... not Switzerland, it began with S but it wasn't Switzerland, oh what could it be? Terribly bad memory for names. What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all?

Officer: Spain?

Man: Spain! That's it. Spain, yes, mm.

Officer: The label says 'Zurich', sir.

Man: Yes well, it was Spain then.

Officer: Zurich's in Switzerland, sir.

Man: Switzerland, yes mm... mm... yes.

Officer: Switzerland - where they make the watches.

Man: (laughs nervously) Oh, nice shed you've got here.

Officer: Have you, er, got any Swiss currency, sir?

Man: No, just the watches. Err, just my watch, er, my watch on the currency. I've kept a watch on the currency, and I've watched it and I haven't got any.

Officer: That came out a bit glib didn't it? (an alarm clock goes off inside his case; the Man thumps it, unsuccessfully) Have you got an alarm clock in there, sir?

Man: No, no, heavens no, no, just vests. (he thumps the case and the alarm stops)

Officer: Sounded a bit like an alarm clock going off.

Man: Well it can't have been, it must be a vest, er, going off.

Officer: Going off?

(Clocks start ticking and chiming in the case. The man desperately thumps the case.)

Man: All right, I confess, I'm a smuggler. This whole case is crammed full of Swiss watches and clocks. I've been purposely trying to deceive Her Majesty's Customs and Excise. I've been a bloody fool.

Officer: I don't believe you, sir.

Man: It's true. I'm, er, guilty of smuggling.

Officer: Don't give me that sir, you couldn't smuggle a piece of greaseproof paper let alone a case full of watches.

Man: What do you mean! I've smuggled watches before, you know! I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components, you name it - I've smuggled it.

Officer: Now come along please, you're wasting our time. Move along please.

Man: Look! (he opens his case to reveal it stuffed full of watches and clocks) Look - look at this.

Officer: Look, for all I know, sir, you could've bought these in London before you ever went to Switzerland.

Man: What? I wouldn't buy two thousand clocks.

Officer: People do! Now close your case move along please come on. Don't waste our time, we're out to catch the real smugglers. Come on.

Man: (shouting) I am a real smuggler. I'm a smuggler! Don't you understand, I'm a smuggler! I'm a lawbreaker! I'm a smuggler! (he is removed struggling)

(A vicar is next.)

Vicar (Eric Idle): Poor fellow. I think he needs help.

Officer: Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar. Get to the search room, and strip.



Continue to the next sketch... Vox Pops on Smuggling