MontyPython.net Poetry Contests

As some of you might remember, a while back we did the First Official MontyPython.net Spam© Poetry Contest. We had a lot of fun with it and I enjoyed reading the submissions. A few people have recently reminded me that we're overdue for a new poetry contest and I agree 100%. So, I'm announcing the 2nd Semi-Annual, Quasi-Official, Pseudo-Intellectual, Partially Ridiculous and Completely Silly MontyPython.net Poetry Contest!!!! Let there be much rejoicing!

Here's how it works. Some people take poetry seriously. They write long-winded odes to truth and beauty, reads idylls describing the unfathomable wonderfullness of a cow pasture covered in the morning dew and bore everyone to tears with recitations of the loves they have known, lost, regained and eventually got tired of and broke up with, only to have that former love go on to start up an internet company, lose millions of dollars, go public and become mega-rich, then marry a super-model and move to Beverly Hills where they live happily ever after. I think Robert Burns was the first person to write an internet love poem way back in 1792. Of course, it might have just been a slightly spoiled dish of haggis leading to bad dreams, reports are sketchy. But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, some people take poetry seriously. Well, they need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy, followed by being locked away in a cabin for 2 years with nothing to read but Dr. Seuss, Ogden Nash and Monty Python books. Only then will they learn the one simple fact that most of us already know. Poetry is silly. It was meant to be silly, it always has been silly and the best poems have always been the silliest ones. To achieve the highest highs, a poet must not only be silly, he must have a silly subject. Last contest we did Spam, the silliest meatlike substance on the face of the earth and it yielded impressive results. This time, we're going for a new theme. Poetry dedicated to the silliest movie on the face of the earth, 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'. But, what sort of poetry? Ahhh, I knew you'd ask that. Not just any ordinary poetry will do. Oh no! We certainly cannot have any namby-pamby odes sullying the good name of the Holy Grail. Idylls are right out! Tennyson covered King Arthur in Idylls of the King and it wasn't a bit silly. Tennyson never even discussed the killer bunny, the Knights of Ni or the airspeed velocity of unladen swallows. What was he thinking?!?!?!? We need something better. We need Haiku and Limericks!

For those unfamiliar with poetry (and hopefully, that's most of you) a haiku is a 3 line poem that doesn't need to rhyme. However, it must contain exactly 17 syllables in 5-7-5 pattern. That is, the first line must contain 5 syllables, the second line 7 and the third line 5 again. Use the following as a guide:

One! Two! Five! Three Sir!
Three! Lob the Holy Hand-Grenade
The bunny snuffs it!

Limericks are 5 line silly little poems in which lines 1,2 and 5 rhyme with each other and lines 3 and 4 rhyme with each other, but not with lines 1,2 and 5. You're left with a rhyme scheme of A-A-B-B-A. For Example:

When the witch weighed the same as a duck,
She knew she was fresh out of luck,
'It's a fair cop' she'd say,
As they led her away
Getting burned at the stake? That must suck.

Pretty simple, isn't it? Just remember, you need to be able to do better than that. My poetic skills are severely limited (a fact for which I am eternally thankful) and judging by the results of the last contest, we have a lot of silly Python fan poets out there. You can VIEW THE WINNERS of the last contest.

The results of the 2nd Semi-Annual, Quasi-Official, Pseudo-Intellectual, Partially Ridiculous and Completely Silly MontyPython.net Poetry Contest are now official. View The Winners